She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
