I accidentally had phone sex last night
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
