it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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