The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
