im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
