Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
