I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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