This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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