you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
