The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
