No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
