do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
