I just threw up on my dentist
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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