I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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