How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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