I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
