we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
