who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
