you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
