I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
