Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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