I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
