i need an iv and a liver transplant
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
