I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You ruined the universe
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
