The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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