it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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