I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
