I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
