genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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