Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
