i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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