In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
