I CAN MOONWALK!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
