Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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