im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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