When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
