In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize