i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think I just sharted jello shots
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