I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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