I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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