No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
