sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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