I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize