I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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