alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
