My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
