.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
