I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
