You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
