glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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