saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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