i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
