MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
