I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
