I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
