I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
