i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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