i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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