all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
it's like heaven, but drunker
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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