so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
