my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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