you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
