she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
A bitchslap is in order.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
