Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I look excited, but its just a facade.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize