Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
