i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
