he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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