Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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